How to set a boundary
A boundary identifies your limits and helps you decide what you will do when something is not working for you. This article can help you choose a clear boundary, communicate it, and follow through without trying to control or punish someone else.
Boundaries help protect our time, energy, safety, and relationships. They can also make it easier for the people around us to understand what we need and what they can expect from us. Psych Central’s guide to building and preserving better boundaries explains how communicating limits helps clarify expectations in both directions.
You might need a boundary when:
Your parents allow your children unlimited screen time after you have asked them to limit it.
Your boss regularly contacts you outside your working hours and expects an immediate response.
Someone continues calling or messaging after you have said you do not want contact.
A conversation becomes heated and people begin raising their voices.
Setting a boundary can feel uncomfortable, especially when you care about the relationship, want to avoid conflict, or worry about how the other person will respond. The University of Manitoba’s resource on healthy personal boundaries identifies these as common challenges.
A simple process can help: identify what matters, decide what you can control, communicate clearly, and follow through.
What is a boundary?
A boundary is a personal limit that clarifies what is and is not acceptable to you. It can guide what you will or will not do in a particular situation. A boundary can exist even before you communicate it, although explaining it can help others understand your needs. Psych Central discusses this distinction in “Why Personal Boundaries are Important and How to Set Them.”
For the purposes of this article, the focus is on putting a boundary into practice through an action you can control. It is not a rule that forces another person to behave differently.
It can help to understand the difference between a request, a boundary, an agreement, and follow-through:
Request: “Please don’t email me after work.”
Boundary: “I respond to non-urgent email during my regular working hours.”
Agreement: “We’ve agreed that I will work no more than 45 hours a week.”
Follow-through: Muting notifications, responding the next working day, or raising repeated problems with the appropriate person.
A request tells someone what you would like them to do. A boundary explains your limit and what you will do to maintain it. An agreement describes what everyone involved has accepted. Follow-through is the action you take to hold your boundary.
Hailey Magee’s guide to requests, boundaries, and ultimatums, published by The Gottman Institute, explains the central distinction: requests ask someone else to change their behaviour, while boundaries clarify your own limits and actions.
How do I set a boundary?
Once you have recognized that something is not working for you, these four steps can help.
Step 1: Identify what is happening and why it matters
Start by describing the situation as clearly as you can.
Imagine that your team leader emails you during evenings and weekends and expects prompt replies, even though your regular hours are 9–5, Monday to Friday.
Ask yourself:
What part of this situation is not working for me?
What effect is it having on my time, energy, safety, or relationships?
What would need to change for the situation to feel manageable?
Are there workplace expectations or responsibilities I need to clarify?
Perhaps working outside your regular hours interferes with family time. Maybe it makes it difficult to rest and return to work with enough energy. There may be several reasons.
Understanding why the boundary matters can help you communicate it and choose an action you can realistically follow through on. Olivia Brouillette’s therapist’s guide to setting healthy boundaries recommends beginning with reflection on your needs, values, and relationships.
Step 2: Decide what you can control
You cannot control whether your team leader sends an email. You can decide how to respond, taking your role and responsibilities into account.
Your boundary might be:
“Unless we have agreed that something is urgent, I will respond to messages during my regular working hours.”
Try to make the boundary specific, realistic, and proportionate to the situation. It should describe something within your control. You Love and You Learn’s explanation of what a boundary is and how to set one effectively uses similar examples to distinguish your own actions from attempts to control someone else.
Consider whether differences in authority or power affect what feels possible. Workplace expectations, employment agreements, on-call responsibilities, and organizational policies vary. If you are uncertain, it may help to clarify those expectations before deciding how to respond.
Sharon Martin’s article on repeated boundary violations emphasizes that the relationship, power differences, and risk of harm all affect which responses are practical and safe.
Step 3: Communicate clearly
A boundary does not need a long explanation. In many situations, a short statement is easier to understand. Psychology Today’s overview of boundaries recommends communicating limits clearly, concisely, and calmly.
You could say:
“Could we clarify the expectations for messages outside my regular hours? Unless we agree that something is urgent, I’ll respond when I’m back at work.”
Or:
“I’m protecting my evenings for family and personal time. I’ll respond to non-urgent messages during my regular working hours.”
Using “I” statements can help keep the focus on your needs and actions. You can explain why the boundary matters, but you do not always owe someone a detailed justification. The University of Manitoba offers several ways to say no, ranging from a brief refusal to a short explanation or an alternative.
A useful template is:
“When happens, I will . This matters to me because . If the situation continues, I will .”
You do not need to use every part of the template. For example:
“When a conversation turns into yelling, I will take a break. I want us to speak respectfully and work through the issue. I’ll be available to try again tomorrow.”
Jennifer Caspari’s article on setting boundaries in romantic relationships offers a similar approach: state what you need simply, explain how you will respond if the limit is crossed, and practise the wording beforehand if that helps.
Step 4: Follow through and review
Following through helps make a boundary understandable. Psych Central’s guidance on maintaining boundaries explains that consistency can reduce confusion about your limits and availability.
With the work example, that might mean muting non-urgent notifications and responding the next working day. If you choose to make an exception, you can name it as an exception:
“I can respond tonight because this is urgent, but I’ll return to my usual working hours tomorrow.”
Consistency is useful, but a boundary does not need to be rigid. Circumstances change. You can review and adjust a boundary when it no longer supports your needs, responsibilities, or relationships. Prospect Therapy’s article on boundaries and ultimatums discusses how limits can remain firm while allowing flexibility in particular situations.
Following through is about protecting your limit, not punishing someone for disagreeing. You are responsible for your own actions; another person remains responsible for how they treat you.
Boundaries in different relationships
The language may change, but the same basic principle applies: name what matters and describe an action you can control.
With family:
“We’re limiting the kids’ screen time to one hour when they visit. If that doesn’t work for you, we’ll need to make a different childcare arrangement.”
At work:
“I’m not available for routine messages after 5 p.m. I’ll respond the next working day.”
With a friend:
“I’m happy to listen, but I don’t have the capacity for this conversation tonight. Can we talk tomorrow?”
During conflict:
“I want to work through this with you. If the yelling continues, I’m going to leave the conversation and return when things are calmer.”
These statements do not guarantee that another person will agree. They make your position and your next action clear.
Boundaries also work in both directions. Other people may have different limits, needs, or capacities. Respecting those differences does not mean abandoning your own. Psych Central’s guide to respecting other people’s boundaries recommends asking rather than assuming, accepting someone’s “no,” and acknowledging mistakes when you overstep.
When safety comes first
Direct communication is not always the safest option. If someone has threatened you, used violence, or made you afraid of what might happen when you say no, prioritize safety and support rather than finding the perfect wording.
You do not need to confront someone before seeking help. Depending on the situation, support might come from a trusted person, a qualified professional, or an appropriate support service. Martin’s guidance on people who repeatedly violate boundaries specifically emphasizes caution and outside support when violence or threats are involved.
A person’s refusal to respect your boundary does not mean you failed to communicate it well enough.
A final reminder
Boundaries can support healthier relationships by creating greater clarity, trust, and respect. They help us understand how we want to act, how we want to be treated, and what we will do when something is not working. The University of Manitoba’s healthy boundaries resource connects healthy boundaries with well-being, balance, and relationships built on trust and safety.
You may feel guilty, sad, frustrated, relieved, or uncertain when setting a boundary. Those emotions do not necessarily mean the boundary is wrong. You can honour what you feel while still taking action that supports your well-being and your relationships. Both the University of Manitoba’s guidance and Magee’s discussion of the grief that can accompany boundary-setting acknowledge this emotional difficulty.
Remember:
Identify what is happening and why it matters.
Choose an action within your control.
Communicate it clearly when it is safe to do so.
Follow through without punishing or retaliating.
Respect other people’s boundaries as well as your own.
Review the boundary when circumstances change.
Prioritize safety when direct communication could create risk.
For additional support, Men & can help connect men with resources at menand.ca or by phone at 1-833-327-MENS (6367).
References
Brouillette, Olivia. On boundaries: A therapist’s guide on setting healthy boundaries. Therapy With Olivia.
Campbell, Leah. Why personal boundaries are important and how to set them. Psych Central.
Caspari, Jennifer. Setting boundaries in your romantic relationship. Psychology Today.
Magee, Hailey. Requests vs. boundaries vs. ultimatums: The ultimate guide. The Gottman Institute.
Marie, Simone. How to respect other people’s boundaries. Psych Central.
Martin, Sharon. How to deal with people who repeatedly violate your boundaries. Psych Central.
Pattemore, Chantelle. 10 ways to build and preserve better boundaries. Psych Central.
Pearson, Michelle, and David Ness. Healthy personal boundaries & how to establish and maintain them. University of Manitoba.
Psychology Today. Boundaries. Psychology Today.
Stanizai, Sara. Setting boundaries vs. giving an ultimatum. Prospect Therapy.
You Love and You Learn. What is a boundary and how do you set one effectively?. You Love and You Learn.
Further reading and tools
What are my boundaries?: Explore the limits that matter to you before deciding what to communicate.
Self Scan: Pause and notice what is coming up for you as you consider a boundary.
Name Your Boundary: Put the limit you want to set into words.
Communicate Your Boundary: Prepare how you want to express your boundary.
Workbook of Tips and Practices: Continue reflecting and practising with the Men & setting-boundaries workbook.
Safety Comes Before Repair: Consider safety before trying to repair a relationship or have a difficult conversation.
The Joy of Sharing the Road and the Load: Explore shared responsibility in relationships and household life.
Top 10 Tips for Finding a Counsellor or Therapist: Find practical guidance for seeking professional support.