How can I have better friendships as an adult?
Maybe you lost touch with friends throughout the Covid‑19 pandemic or maybe you feel like your friendships are very “surface level” – whatever the reason, you’re asking questions about how you can have better friendships. You’ve come to the right place!
Why are friendships important?
Short answer: life is so much more enjoyable when we have people to share it with. Friends are the family we choose.
Long answer: there are so many benefits of friendships! Friends are the people we can go to when we need a listening ear, a new perspective, a pair of helping hands, or sometimes a good dose of accountability – heck, maybe all of the above at once! Having strong friendships helps us make life richer and less isolating and ensures we aren’t relying only on one person (usually our partners) for emotional support. Maintaining friendships helps us build a whole range of social‑emotional skills as well, like how to listen to understand, respond with empathy, resist the urge to give unsolicited advice, resolve conflict, apologize, and take another’s perspective. These are all life skills, they’re not only useful in friendships, but they’re useful at work, in relationships, and in parenting.
Did you know that having strong friendships is also linked to positive health outcomes? For instance, people with strong friendships are more likely to have lower blood pressure, stronger immune systems, and lower rates of depression. In other words, having friends can actually make us live longer. Maybe that’s because love is worth living for, maybe it’s because we weren’t designed to make it alone – either way, the benefits of friendship are clear.
Why is maintaining friendships as an adult sometimes difficult?
Friendships do require maintenance. We need to invest time and energy into our friends: this means catching up, showing up, and following up. It means supporting our friends and being open to receiving support. It means making our friends priorities in our lives.
#1 Lack of recognition and uncertainty
The Problem: Maybe we don’t recognize that we’re drifting apart from our friends, or that our friendships are kind of shallow and could be deeper and more meaningful. Or, maybe we recognize it, but have no idea what to do about it or where to start. That happens! Especially for men, who aren’t always brought up to be in tune with their own emotions or the emotions of others. It can be hard to pinpoint what the problem is and how to deal with it.
The Solution: Self‑reflection – ask yourself, what do you want out of your friendships and relationships? Are you currently getting what you want? What are you willing to put into your friendships to get more of what you want? What do you think your friends would like your friendships to look like? Thinking through these questions can help you decide what you want, reflect on what others may want, and start planning how you might be able to get there.
#2 Time & Competing Priorities
The Problem: Many people might say they don’t feel like they have a lot of time for their friends as an adult. They might say their competing priorities take precedence – work, partners, kids, aging parents, education, exercise, hobbies – many of us have a lot on the go. We’ve got bills to pay, dreams to chase, and other relationships to nurture.
The Solution: Those things that feel like they might “get in the way” of time with friends? Just incorporate your friends into those things! Need to prioritize exercise in your life? Ask a friend to be your gym buddy. Make plans to go cycling, hiking, or to play catch. Join a rec sports league with a friend. Got kids? Meet your friends in the park. Plan family outings and invite your friends. Invite your friends over and catch up while your kids play in the backyard. Plan family vacations and invite your friends to join (Disneyland needs more adults to supervise, let’s be honest). Looking for a new hobby? Ask your friends what they enjoy doing and then try something you could do with your friend. I hear Dungeons and Dragons is really fun! Errands to run? Run them together. Projects to complete? Need to renovate, move, or do some landscaping? Chances are your friends also need to do those things – what if you helped each other to do them? Doing these things with friends can cut down work for everyone. Many hands make light work, and since friendships are about reciprocity (you help me and I will help you in the future), you know that what goes around will come around! In short, while it’s nice to get one‑on‑one time with friends that doesn’t involve any kind of multitasking, sometimes our schedules are just too packed. So, offer to incorporate your friends into your busy life.
#3 Fear of Vulnerability
The Problem: For some people, especially men, there’s some apprehension around deepening their friendships. Strengthening our friendships means going deeper than surface level. It means sharing more of what’s really going on for us, not just the highlights – and that can make us nervous. We can have a lot of worries about opening up to share more of what we’re really going through: “What if they use it against me? What if they laugh at me? What if they don’t understand?” And it makes sense. We’ve all been burned before. Vulnerability is scary.
The Solution: Introspection. What are you really afraid of? What are the grounds for your fear? Are you afraid of opening up to ALL of your friends, or just some of them? If it’s most if not all of them, ask yourself why – what is the basis of that fear? If it’s some of them, what tells you that you can’t be vulnerable with those friends? Maybe they have hurt you in the past, if so, it’s okay to protect yourself. It’s reasonable not to trust everyone, especially if they’ve broken trust – but perhaps ask yourself why you maintain friendships with people that you don’t trust. But if you’re afraid of being vulnerable with ANYONE at all, that’s a different set of questions. What is the basis of that fear? Have you been deeply hurt in the past when you’ve been vulnerable and don’t want it to happen again? Are you worried that being vulnerable and sharing when things aren’t going well for you makes you “less” of a man? Are you worried about your image? As a challenge, acknowledge your fears but don’t let them stop you. Vulnerability is scary, but it’s also brave. And – maybe unsurprisingly – nine times out of ten it’s met with equal vulnerability. When we open up about things that are tough, we give others permission to do the same. You’d be surprised how many of your friends want to be real with you. Many of them are just waiting for someone to go first. Be brave, go first.
#4 Competition & Insecurity
The Problem: Last, a sense of competition or insecurity can be a barrier to strengthening our friendships. If we constantly compare ourselves to our friends and feel like we need to “be where they are” in life, or have the things that they have, this can hurt our friendships. We can end up feeling jealous, resentful, or insecure. This will show up, either in passive‑aggressive comments, mean jokes, or just self‑induced shame spirals: “why aren’t I good enough? I’m not as smart, successful, good‑looking, or wealthy as my friends”. And vice versa. Maybe we have noticed a friend that seems jealous or insecure around you. They make comments about how much better you seem to be doing than they are. Or maybe they make mean jokes about your successes that make you feel small.
The Solution: If you’re feeling jealous, insecure, or like you need to compete with your friends, explore that. Explore your values and why specific milestones (like buying a house), having material items (the fancy car, the newest phone), or the best body, matter to you. Is “keeping up with the Joneses” really important to you? Explore why or why not, or how much, this matters. Take a hard look and be honest with yourself: has jealousy, insecurity, or resentment impacted your friendships in the past? If so, how? How do you know? Is it impacting any of your friendships now? What can you do about it? Keep working on yourself. No one can tackle your insecurities but you.
Similarly, you can’t erase your friends’ insecurities. They are responsible for their own healing. If you have friends who seem jealous or insecure around you, or who compete with and compare themselves to you, explore that too. Despite those tendencies, are they a good friend to you? Are they aware of those tendencies and are working on them? Do you think they’d be open to hearing how their jealousy or insecurity impacts your friendship? How could you have that conversation?
Reality check: Your friends shouldn’t care about what kind of car you drive, how much money you make, etc. There are more important things they should value in you and your connection.
Additional tips for strengthening your friendships
Here are a few additional tips to strengthen, deepen, and maintain your friendships.
Make plans. It kind of goes without saying, but you have to make plans to see your friends. As kids, we would just see them every day at school, but that’s not the case anymore! Plans are important because they show interest and commitment. “We should grab coffee sometime” is NOT A PLAN. Plans need an agreed‑upon date, time, and location. They’re in the calendar, which makes them real.
Take it a step further and make your plans regular. For instance, what if every Sunday morning, you met your best friend for coffee and you took your kids to the park? Consistent commitments can cut down how often you need to text back and forth to make new plans – you’d just know every Sunday that you had existing plans with that friend, for example. Plus, having a consistent touchpoint means you’re integrated into each other’s lives.
Remember what's going on with your friends and check‑in. Did your friend recently go through a breakup? Celebrate a promotion? Are they grieving a loss? Take steps to remember what’s going on with them and check‑in. Saying things like “I just wanted to check in because last time we hung out you mentioned x. How has that been going since?” shows friends that you care about what they’re going through.
Offer support. This isn’t really as hard as it sounds. If a friend is struggling with something, offer to listen and ask them how you can help. You don’t have to know what the “right thing” to say is, since more often than not, friends just need you to listen. A sincere offer to help shows friends that you’ll be there for them.
Keep working on yourself. Having better friendships also means learning how to be a better friend.
Most important: be vulnerable. Tell your friends what they mean to you and open up about what you're struggling with. Tell them when they’ve done something that hurt you 6 and be open to hearing about the times you have hurt them. Discuss your dreams, hopes, and fears. Being real is the only way to get real relationships.
If this all sounds like work, well, it is – but it’s worth it. Without friends, life can feel pretty empty. The work we put into our friendships is some of the most worthwhile work we can do.
If you want to learn to be more vulnerable, practice conflict resolution skills, and tackle your own insecurities, or related concerns, call us. Our phone line and chat services are available 24/7 and staffed by qualified counsellors.
Resources:
Free tools for relational skills on the Forge Social Health platform.
What are the benefits of friendship? (External Article by Next Gen Men)