What is a Boundary?
We hear a lot about boundaries, but what are they and why are they important in relationships?
It can be a bit confusing to answer these questions, because many people use the term boundaries differently.
We’ll give you a clear definition, but first, let’s start with why boundaries are important.
Why do boundaries matter?
Boundaries are important for two main reasons: our health, and the health of our relationships.
When it comes to our health, setting, maintaining, and respecting boundaries can help us stay balanced, and contributes to a sense of both independence and integrity. Independence, because healthy boundaries can keep us from burning out, and integrity, because we are better at keeping our promises if we are not overwhelmed.
Setting, maintaining, and respecting boundaries also helps us to better manage our emotions, which is important for our health and the health of our relationships. For example, setting and maintaining boundaries around our time and energy can help avoid feelings of resentment, or feeling drained. As another example, pushing or crossing the boundaries of our loved ones can often lead to conflict, which can be emotionally draining and can damage trust.
Boundaries help us respect one another. When we clearly communicate our boundaries to each other, we can better respect people’s space, privacy, and choices. That respect is important for building trust and safety in our relationships.
What is a boundary?
The best way to define boundaries is the firm and flexible rules you make for yourself. These rules are always about you: your choices for your own behaviour, and the limits of what kind of behaviour you will tolerate from others and how you will respond when those boundaries are crossed.
TIP: Because boundaries are about rules or limits we set for ourselves, a boundary statement would typically start with “I will” or “I won’t”.
Your boundaries can be about anything, including choices about your body, behaviour, energy, space, time, information, and resources. So, for example, you might have a boundary around alcohol – “I will only have two drinks at any event”, for example. That’s a rule you are setting for your own behaviour.
Or, you might have a boundary around yelling – “I won’t carry on a conversation with someone who is yelling at me. I will walk away”. That’s a rule you’re setting about the limits of what kind of behaviour you will tolerate from others (yelling) and the consequences of a boundary violation (walking away).
So how are boundaries both firm and flexible? That might seem contradictory.
Well, some boundaries might be very firm. Perhaps the yelling example above is a hard line for you. In other words, you enforce that boundary across all circumstances and with all people. This means whether it’s at a worksite, a funeral, or a party, and regardless of whether it’s your partner, your boss, or your friend, you will not carry on a conversation with someone who is yelling at you, and you will walk away.
Other boundaries might be more flexible, because they might change depending on the situation. For example, with the alcohol example above, maybe you will make an exception for a specific event like a friend’s bachelor party.
Examples of boundaries
Boundaries about your…
Body: I will not hug someone I just met. I will offer a handshake instead.
Behaviour: I will not pick a fight at the bar. I will find a new spot to sit if someone is bothering me.
Energy: I will solve this problem for you this time, but next time please call your IT person at work.
Space: I will not allow guests into my home office. I will keep that door closed when we have company.
Time: I will only spend 30 minutes on this phone call. After that, I will have to turn my attention to other tasks.
Information: I will only share sensitive information with close friends.
Resources: I will not lend money to my brother.
Boundaries about what kind of behaviour you will not tolerate from others…
And how you will respond if the boundary is violated…
I won’t stay in a relationship with someone who cheats on me.
I will end the relationship.
I won’t have sex without a condom.
I will request a condom be used. If they refuse, I will not have sex with them.
I won’t continue a conversation if I am being called names.
I will ask them to avoid name-calling. If they continue to name-call, I will leave.
Sometimes, we second-guess ourselves about our boundaries. We might question if the limits or rules we’re setting are reasonable, enforceable, or healthy. So how can we tell?
It can be tricky because boundaries can be quite different from person to person. It helps to talk things through. If you have questions about boundaries, you can call the Men & resource line to have a free and confidential conversation with a trained professional. If you’re not ready to speak with someone, you can also try the free self-paced Setting Boundaries Toolset or the Men & Collection, which is a bundle of free educational resources.
If you are feeling unsure about your boundaries, and the ways you are considering enforcing them, these questions might help you think things through:
If I would not tolerate this behaviour from someone else, do I also hold myself to the same standard?
For example, in the example of the boundary about yelling, we said, “I won’t carry on a conversation with someone who is yelling at me. I will walk away”. Holding oneself to the same standard means that you won’t yell at others in conversation.Is my response to a boundary violation proportional?
Proportional basically means, does it seem like a fair or measured response? For instance, we might be a bit annoyed if our partner forgot to pick up groceries on the way home from work, but we would likely be alarmed and upset if they forgot to pick up our child from daycare. Our reactions are usually proportional to the actions.
In the name-calling example, the enforcement of the boundary sounds like: “I will ask them to avoid name-calling.” This might be a proportional response if it is the first time they have called you names in that conversation, but if you have repeatedly asked them to stop, and they have not, maybe a more proportional response would be to leave the conversation. And if this is a recurring pattern where nearly every conversation with your partner devolves into an argument with name-calling, maybe the proportional response is to end the relationship.
Are the boundaries I am setting about my own behaviour, or are they about trying to control the behaviour of others?
Boundaries are about rules or limits we set for ourselves, so a boundary statement would typically start with “I will” or “I won’t”. If the statement starts with “you must” or “you can’t”, then it’s not a boundary statement anymore – it’s about trying to control someone else’s behaviour.
If we are feeling uneasy or upset about something our partner is doing, we might be tempted to use the language of boundaries to try and control them – to make them stop what they’re doing or do something else. The truth is that we can’t control our partners; they are adults with their own autonomy. We can control our own behaviour and make our own choices, including the choice to stay or walk away.
What makes boundaries in relationships so difficult?
There are a few things that can make setting, enforcing, and respecting boundaries quite challenging in our relationships.
Negotiating is ongoing work
Earlier we said boundaries are rules we make for ourselves about our behaviour, time, space, resources, and more. We also established that we cannot control our partners; they are free to make their own choices and decide on their own boundaries. All of that remains true.
But what happens when we have shared property? Shared space? Shared responsibilities? The boundaries we have about shared aspects of our lives need to be negotiated with our partners or whomever we share our lives with.
For example, you might say “I will take two hours every evening as ‘alone time’ to recharge after work”. This might be a very reasonable boundary for a couple that does not have additional responsibilities in the evening – you can both do your own thing. However, if you and your partner have children or pets that need care, then this boundary about your alone time means that caregiving responsibilities automatically fall to your partner. Negotiating your need for alone time, with your partner’s need for support, and your dependents’ need for care means that you will need to come to an agreement that works for everyone.
Assumptions get in the way
In relationships, we can sometimes assume people know what our boundaries are – after all, our partners usually know us better than anyone. We can also assume someone else’s boundaries are the same as ours without ever asking.
However, no one is a mind-reader, including you. If you’re unsure about someone’s boundaries, it never hurts to ask. It also never hurts to explain ourselves. Remember, being clear is kind.
Emotions can run high
Setting, enforcing, and respecting boundaries can be challenging in part because of how emotionally-charged the process can be.
We might worry that setting and enforcing our boundaries could upset other people. We might worry about people pulling away from us or seeing us as selfish for drawing a line.
Or, we might be so worried about boundary violations that our boundaries are hyper-rigid, and our reactions to boundary violations might be disproportionate (i.e. we over-react or under-react).
We might find that someone else enforcing a boundary feels like rejection to us. We might feel sad, perplexed, angry, or bitter about a boundary that someone else sets. Likewise, when we violate someone else’s boundary, we might feel guilty, anxious, or confused – and when someone violates ours, we might feel disappointed, angry, or heartbroken. As the Millenials say, “all the feels”.
None of these emotions are bad or wrong. However, it’s best not to lash out at others. We’re each responsible for emotionally regulating – working through our feelings so that we can respond to others in respectful ways – but we don’t have to do it alone. Talking to a trusted friend, mentor, or therapist can be a great place to start.
It takes some self-love
Lastly, something that makes setting and enforcing boundaries more difficult is a lack of self-love.
Unfortunately, throughout our lives some of us have absorbed the message that we are not worthy of love. This can translate into a lack of self-love.
If we don’t see ourselves as deserving of kindness and respect from others, then we may not ask to be treated with kindness and respect. Or, we might not notice when others disrespect us; or worse yet, we might notice, but believe that we deserve the disrespect.
Please remember: everyone is worthy of dignity and respect.
Conclusion
Regardless of these challenges, boundaries are an essential part of any healthy relationship. It takes work, but it’s worthwhile to learn more about setting, enforcing, negotiating, and respecting boundaries.
Stay tuned for part 2 in this series, where we will discuss setting and enforcing boundaries in greater detail.